Certified for MainPRO CERT+ & Royal College Credits.
Being With Difficult Emotions
"Suffering = Pain x Resistance"
Kristin Neff in her seminal book: “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” 3 ably describes the concept of Suffering = Pain x Resistance. That our work of pushing through, pushing down, ignoring, and avoiding difficult emotions actually amplifies the suffering we experience in the long run.
Dr. Neff describes a fun and illuminating experiment, (try this at home!):
- Hold an ice cube and time how long you can do so before needing to drop it.
- Now try holding another cube (other hand) and be fully present and mindful of the experience of holding the ice cube: what sensations do you feel? And when discomfort arises allowing the discomfort and being aware of all the sensations involved.
Amazingly, perhaps counterintuitively, people are much more capable of holding the ice cube for much longer durations when allowing the experience and being mindful of it even when sensations are negative.
In this way, by using tools of self compassion, we can mindfully “be with” difficult emotions that arise during day-to-day life, rather than resisting them. Kristen Neff, Chris Germer and the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion in their publications and courses recommend a 3-step process that can be used in the moment to manage hard emotional experiences.1
Being with Difficult Emotions
Labeling emotions - “Name it and you tame it.”
“Name it and you tame it. Naming or labeling difficult emotions helps us disentangle, or unstick, from them. Research shows that when we label difficult emotions, the amygdala — a brain structure that registers danger — becomes less active and is less likely to trigger a stress reaction in the body. When we gently say, “This is anger” or “Fear is arising,” we usually feel some emotional freedom — there is some space around the feeling. Instead of being lost in the emotion, we can recognize that we are having the emotion and therefore have more choice of how to respond.” (2, p116) Labeling emotions is not about getting rid of them, it’s about identifying and accepting them in a gentle and understanding manner.1
Finding emotions in the body - “Feel it and you heal it.”
“Feel it and you heal it. Emotions have mental and physical components — thoughts and bodily sensations. For example, when we’re angry, we spend a lot of time in our minds justifying our point of view and planning what we will or should have said. We also feel physical tension in the abdomen as the body prepares for a fight. It’s more challenging to manage a difficult emotion by working with our thoughts because we’re so easily swept away by them. It’s a bit easier to work with the physical sensations of the emotion. Thoughts move so quickly that it’s tough to hang on to them long enough to transform them. In contrast, the body is relatively slow moving. When we locate and anchor our emotions in the body—find the actual physical sensations of the emotion and hold them in mindful awareness—the difficult emotion often starts to change on its own.” (2, p116-117)
Soften-Soothe-Allow - Heart, Body and Soul
“Difficult emotions are even more transitory — they pass through us more easily — when we establish a loving, accepting relationship to them. When our awareness has a fearful quality, we are less open to our emotions and can barely tolerate the experience. But when our awareness is tender and warm, we have the strength to feel what is happening within us and give ourselves what we need. Soften–soothe–allow is a set of compassionate responses to difficult emotions we may find in the body. We can offer ourselves comfort in three ways:
- Softening—physical compassion
- Soothing—emotional compassion
- Allowing—mental compassion” (2, p117)
References
- Germer CK, Neff K. Teaching the mindful self-compassion program: a guide for professionals. New York, NY: Guilford Press; 2019.
- Neff K, Germer CK. The mindful self-compassion workbook: a proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. New York, NY: Guilford Press; 2018.
- Neff K. Self-compassion: the proven power of being kind to yourself. First William Morrow paperback edition. New York, NY: William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers; 2015.
Acknowledgements
Thank you to Kristin Neff, Chris Germer and the entire team at the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion for both this content and their mentorship in providing it.
Thank you to Monique Mercier and Chad Tremblay for their great contributions to this page and it's associated Infographic; as well as to the CFPC and it's Wellness MIG Leads: Drs. Bearrs and Kim for their feedback and support. Have you opened a new location, redesigned your shop, or added a new product or service? Don't keep it to yourself, let folks know.